10 things I miss the most- 1

1. Motivation

I am not very competitive. Most of the time I am comfortable with where I stand, I am easily satisfied. My aims are usually realistic, sometimes too low but the satisfaction is super shiok de!! I think I have mentioned before, I really can’t find something I am really good at, so turns out I am average in EVERYTHING.
Primary school no need motivation de! PSLE also never really study. Lol. Turns out my results SO AVERAGE I had a hard time choosing where to go. In secondary school, sec 1 and 2 also don’t need much motivation in studies cus no significance also! But Netball training was a crazy thing, I needed motivation like 123456789. I can still remember the kallang 6 rounds around 6 courts. Used to be a breeze for me… sad to say no longer. 10 rounds around field was tiring but have always made it without stopping. And this is just the WARM UP. Again, sad to say, no longer that way.
Especially when it comes to leading the team, motivation must x2!! Cus have to encourage teammates also.
Where did I get those motivation from? To tell the truth, I am self motivated by the existence of my boyfriend- whoever he is. Lol! My point is, I want him to see me at my best, I want him to be proud of me. But then hor… since late sec 3 until now, this kind of motivation don’t work anymore… Must be the damage from Qilaf. Hahahaha
I am still in search of my motivation. There is only one I can think of, RIVAL(did I just say I am not competitive), no la rival as in love rival LOR! The fact now is I can’t play in the same team as Isham, he never fails to demoralise me although he meant good. I have very very weak MENTAL strength to start with. Can’t forget my Netball incident. Really don’t deserve to lead the team with such lousy mental strength. Can’t even handle myself. Tsk. I am easily worn out by fatigue but I am keen to improve. I really want to go back to where I was.

Wrote this last week. wanted to post this last weekend but was quite tied up.

Maybe it's just me.

I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK.

Have not said it for a long long time, Kill me please.

Would it still be the same?

You really think I didn't want to impress my boyfriend?

You really think I didn't try?

I am sorry I'm not the best for you. I am not up to you standard

you can always find a girl good in futsal, always up to your expectations, don't have to scold her for being not pretty. Go ahead if it makes u feel better and make your life so much easier.

But you know what, you're so hard to please....

Think- have i ever scolded you for something u're not doing so well in? at least i know you tried.

nvm, i think it's not your fault.

IT'S MY FUCKING PROBLEM WITH WEAK MENTAL STRENGTH.

can't believe after 3 years i'm still struggling. fuck it. seriously.

Me or u changed?

k i feel so much better venting my anger here. Blogging is great.

come April it will be sj's 5th birthday!! :)