rough

Going through the toughest obstacle against myself. I cannot come to terms with. Today i ran 5km tearing. In fact earlier this morning i had wanted to run, but the thunder and rain was coming, so i did Insanity Workout instead... I am fat, so i gotta work hard hard to avoid getting even fatter. Because of the criticism, I acknowledge it. I have done smth about it. I have made changes to my lifestyle, I have made changes to the food I eat. and I will work harder. its a recurring issue I know would resurfaced if we didnt resolve it. I know I can't dress well, don't have the best complexion, don't have the best make up skills... you expect me to 'at my best' just because you were at your best. Sorry I look terrible because I have no makeup on. 'Isham is one kind... he usually take one look at me, judge me, and if i am not up to standard, his body language shows. He won't even take a second look at me, let alone hold my hands. This is not what I am worried, I am more worried about our future. Will he find new things to find fault in me? criticise me? 嫌弃我？ Last Friday, it was double the 打击, I was in jeggings and top, no make up on... he was what i described above, later he touched my stomach and commented my tummy can be seen. Babe, I hope you understand that other than working my ass off in office, I have been running since the day you said I was fat. I have been eating healthy food. Not even a word of motivation/consolation you had to shoot me right in my face? you know I never felt so bad about myself before. and to you you think your words are motivation for us to work harder for the future... to be FIT. Today after I watched the video he posted and tagged me in abt True Love is when you do things tgt. it dawned upon me that we are no where close to it. Again, me being me, hold grudges, bring this topic up again, expecting a word of comfort... he kept MUM abt it, he said he had nth much to comment on. I told him if I knew he was like that when we were in our first year, it would have been a straight break. But because these 6 years he has done more good than hurt, lets not by nitty gritty abt it. I said, you had no complains when I was at my fattest in Poly, he loved me and never complained I was too fat for his liking. Things change, people change over time... Plus, your own complexion is not perfect, so what right do you have to have such high expectations of me? AM i not trying hard enough? Your clothes 穿来穿去 also that few, you want to comment abt my dressing.... i think i have more clothes than you? Or am I just being too nice to you? Honestly, to me, i meet you to spend time with you, not to care abt how you dress, how you look etc, you can wear anything as long as you are comfortable and presentable. You can be so handsome that girls will drop jaws, but if your heart and personality is bullshit, which girl will make you their life partner? have la, blind girls, who hasn't realise your bullshit. I also want to have nice complexion even without makeup. hais. question... Is it worth going through these... I don't know. They say if you cannot accept me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. you feed me unhealthy food den say I am fat. sad... I have effing disguting body with ultra disgusting lower ab fats I can NEVER get rid of. what shld I do?