big 2

even the sky is crying for me since afternoon! haha
I have made much progression since 2 months ago, definitely...
and within these 2 months only i have already attended 2 weddings. Lol what Irony..
and i keep asking myself just WTH am i doing with my own life?
its like playing blocks with your best mate then suddenly your mate messes it up
and you just don't know where to start from again.
I asked myself alot of questions... like whether I will be happy if I am married
I will blame myself for being stupid for any subsequent issue we face
like seriously it could have just ended and poof* bye.
But these 6.9 years have been such a huge part of my life
the promises we made.
the hope i always held on to, as my escape to sucky family reality.
Fact was, i couldn't wait to get married and get out of this situation.
But its always like that isn't it? Sometimes the more you try to rush, the results aren't always good.
And ok, i accept that, probably I needed an even longer time to understand the religion
probably i needed a longer time to re-look and retune my relationship
probably he needed a time to get things sorted out before we commit further
Fact was, I see him as a life-long partner so it hurts EVEN MORE!

Again, God will not allow things that are not planned to happen.
ie. Things happen for a reason
ie. He is the ultimate planner
and I accept that.

The hurt is still there, the pain will always be, the memory will be with me till I die, that's for sure.
There will be friendships forgone, relationships strained.
You may look at me/us differently.
You may mock me/say I am stupid,
but really, 我的心真的容不下另一个人
I am already in the process of moving on/forgiving/loving again
although it won't be the same, at least for now
but someday. maybe.

Always in my dream.

Surely, I will get pass this...