I took a lot of courage to start this post.
While my concerns and problems are personal.
I’ve decided not to seek advice from close friends.
This is because I do not want any one to influence my decision.
I needed a space to sort out my thoughts and I thought this would be a good place since…
Not many people read them? (Correct me if I am wrong!)
So if you happen to read this post; read and forget. Don’t probe me further.
I have to admit I am not the best partner anyone can have.
But that doesn’t mean I haven’t tried being one.
This year we encountered/are encountering countless problems.
Maybe both of us have our own faults…
I have an f-ed up attitude that I know is unbearable and unreasonable.
I am stubborn and I won’t take a step back.
But this was 2 years ago.
Haven’t I, since then, tried to be better?
On the other hand, we fight over the smallest thing now.
I think I am always right, I think I have changed for the better.
I feel its unfair for you to be like this. I miss how we used to be.
True KARMA isn’t this? Now I am the one giving in to you…
While I emphasized you’ve changed and you were different from whom I known you as,
You said I’ve changed too.
Since then, I realise we can’t go back to what we used to be…
We keep moving forward.
I am very afraid one day I will not be able to take it and make a decision I really don’t want to.
You are irritated because I cry over the smallest thing whenever we quarrel.
Hell yeah, I am a crybaby.
I don’t even know what happened to the old me?
Why did I even become like this?
Why should I even feel hurt over the small things you do, when you don’t even feel it.
You have never appreciated those tears. You must be thinking those tears are worthless,
Because I cry over anything and everything…. I cry because I care, I cry because I am hurt.
I cry more because you don’t even realise….
It took me sometime to get over the fact that we’re not the same. We can’t go back.
Everything in this world is changing, so are we.
It is not a 360 degree change, I appreciate all other things that you insist on doing from Day 1.
I don’t expect you to change back to your awesomeness and being the nicest to me! Our honeymoon is over long ago! Just wanted things to return to go back to normal… like in 2010! It was awesome! While I keep thinking and insisting that I have changed to become a nicer gf compared to earlier stages of our relationship, I have to also admit this whole bullshit situation is self inflicted. I keep telling myself, it’s not fair the way he’s treating me… Am I wrong? BULLSHIT KARMA GO AWAY!!!!!!!!
Also during this period, by coincidence, some long lost male friends have re-appeared in my life. No bad intention but it kinda stirs up this whole situation as well. Most of the time during our relationship, I was the one worrying, you had higher ‘market value’ compared to me. I was always the one getting jealous/ paranoid. But now it’s karma for you! Although there wasn’t any genuine concern, I wasn’t attempting at any time to cheat, you’ll still get jealous right…
Now you feel it don’t you. What you did 2 years ago still haunts me. I will never forget. You always say you dig out the old stories to say. I can’t help….. It still hurts
I hate liars. I hate knowing the truth last. So I always tell people upfront. I am a complete slut and I cannot forgive myself for being one. Not afraid to admit the mistake I’ve committed. It’s a shame. I missed my ex at one point of time, while attached. When I say miss, I really miss. To the point I really wanted to meet him, I do not have appetite. It lasted for say 2 weeks? It must have been a period of despair for you. You didn’t give up on me. I sincerely appreciate that. If not for you, I don’t know what I will become today. So after 2 weeks, even though I had no intentions to get back to him (ex), I also managed to convince myself he was a jerk when we were together. It’s time to wake up. Bounced back from dreamy world back to reality. Standing in front of me is a boyfriend who is true to me…. I thought so, not until the incident in 2009. oh? Both happened in 2009. yeah, at that time I thought it was karma…. I didn’t realise this whole shit was coming much later.
Today, thanks babe for your patience and love all the time. I know you’ve tried to be better over the last few days. Thank you I truly appreciate that. I will also be at my best.
Also recently, the same ex reappeared out of nowhere. Pirates 2 came out recently, we watched our last movie, Pirates 1 together. Coincidentally, it was on the day we were together 5 years ago. Time flies!!! He hasn’t changed much, still very good in sweet talking -_-...
But his re-appearance has made me realise and appreciate ‘Isham more..
My previous relationship was very emo, I emo everyday because we quarrel/cold war every single day. It was tiring hearing ppl telling me he’s with another girl(?) haven’t admit over 5 years don’t know true anot.…. And babe, when you came into my life, I saw nothing of those. Because you were different from him, You were so nice that when you become like this(past few months), you remind me of him. WHY DO GUYS CHANGE AFTER GETTING GIRLS? The difference is, his is steep slope, almost immediate. Yours was gradual.
Nonetheless, I saw your effort over the last few days and I really appreciate that.
The reason why I have this post is not for you to see, it is really my own thoughts that I really want to voice out. It feels terrible keeping it to myself.
Lastly, Thank you Spiritualjoy, you have always been the BEST, MOST AWESOME LISTENER SINCE 2006. I promise I’ll feed you with more words after this wordy post :)
No comments:
Post a Comment